happy

i'm happy.

there have been times in my life that i have felt as though i was swimming underwater, and every movement was work.

but even with the school year beginning in only one week, and the pace of life picking up before it ever slowed down (it doesn't slow down unless you make it slow down)

i'm happy.

little lessons have been coming my way. like how very very different men and women are in their expectations and communication. not just my man, either.

or simple things, like how to stop eating when i'm not hungry anymore. even if the food is really really good. how to teach my brain to appreciate what i have, instead of grabbing for more.

or withdrawing spending cash and not using more than that between pay checks.

i'm happy.

my life isn't the extreme roller-coaster highs and lows that it has been in the past. but i don't miss those highs anymore, and i certainly don't miss the lows.

we sat out next to the planetarium last night, watching the city as the sun disappeared behind lake michigan. and i thought about how much i love chicago. and how much i love minnesota. and how much i love being alive. and i wondered how it is possible to love so many people and so many places at once.

i remembered my freshman orientation week, at dinner with jerry root, when he asked a missionary kid about what it was like to live between continents. he asked if it was hard to know where home was. and without much of a pause, jerry said, "Heaven is Home."

i'm happy.

because heaven is my home and heaven is in my heart. which means that i am always home.

and because i have found that it is less and less difficult to talk to people about heaven, or about Jesus. it feels less like a command and more like an extension of who i am.

at membership class at church i looked around and realized that these are the people that are becoming my family. and i've been seeking out that family to guide me and to help me grow.

i'm happy.

i have a job that is recession proof, and i am getting to learn about physics in my classes, and about the universe and the worlds beyond worlds beyond worlds that exist in any direction i can lift my head toward.

my students are excited to be in my room. a room that may even have a smart board this year! im getting over my fear of being seen and noticed. and getting over my perfectionism. so that i can just love my job and love doing my job, without all the strings.

i'm happy.

to be invited to the coming of age ceremony of a dear friend from the youth group. honored to be asked to stand beside her and share the secrets and pain and joy of being a woman. blessed to be in a community that treasures those mysteries.

i'm happy.

with lily, snuggled always beside me. loving me without condition and reminding me of just how rare and precious unconditional love can be.

i'm happy.

what makes me so special?

listening to npr this afternoon, i heard a short interview with ted hilton. he was pushing a proposition he has written for california that would deny tanf benefits to the children of illegal immigrants, even if those children are themselves citizens of the United States.

i don't want to argue over the complicated and divisive issue of immigration, though i'm sure one could guess my opinion. what frustrated me in the interview was the arrogance and entitlement that the man had. what makes him so special that he is entitled to health care? how does one decide that a human being is not worth helping, simply because they don't possess a united states passport?

in the last few days i've been struck by the fact that there is only a fine line between each one of us and becoming the bum on the street, the single mother, being short on a mortgage payment, or without a job. a few bad decisions, one major catastrophy, and the pieces of your life can quickly come apart.

what makes me so special? the fact is that nothing makes me so special. so today i am thankful for the grace each day that wakes me up and sees me through.

i'm back

in an effort to continue to learn something new every day, i have made it my goal this school year to figure out how to incorporate more technology into my life. as my first act, i am resurrecting my blogging.

i decided that for now, though i imagine i will complain a lot on this blog, my theme will be gratitude. one thing i am grateful for each blog, even if the whole blog is a complaint. while waiting for harry potter to begin tonight, my friend asked me, if i could only pick one lesson my students learn each year, what would it be? and i said gratitude. i wish that my students would learn to be thankful for what they have. and i wish that i would learn that as well. it's an experiment to see how it changes my perspective.

today i am thankful for being able to finish my four mile run. i bought new capri running shorts that hug my ghettolicious booty. i can't wear anything to loose, because that causes my thighs to rub together, resulting in chaffing for which there is no remedy. i got whistled at three times. i tried to convince myself that i might die after mile 1.5. i felt great for mile 2, and then jogged at the pace a duck waddles for mile 4. but what matters is that i finished. when i called my mom she asked why i had only run four miles, because i should be getting up there in mileage by now. she makes a solid point. i kept thinking that it would get easier. and maybe in the slightest way it has, but i still feel like stopping during that first mile, no matter what.

on another note, i imagine another theme to be education. as i figure out how to insert photos, etc, i'm sure that this will serve as a documentary of my year, both as teacher and student. to that end, my professor wants me to write a paper about global warming. i am tempted to instead send him the back catalog of emails i have received from my father since al gore invented the internet. or, speaking of al gore, to insert clips from an inconvenient truth, a movie which i still haven't seen, due to the emails i just mentioned. either way, i think i should get a free pass on this assignment. alas, i do not, and so i must go to sleep.